The Akatsuki: One big, happy family!
by Zinbuki-san
Summary: When Pein [Leader] discovers that Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Kakuzu, Hidan, Tobi, Sasori, Zetsu, and even Orochimaru are referring to Blue [Aoi] as their mother, he gets angry. Or is he jealous? [minor PeinBlue, BlueAkatsuki][MAJOR OOC][T for some swears]


_Dedicated to **NakoudoByakugan** (aka Bya-chan!) Because I'm her favorite worthless peon, and because Pein and Blue kick ass!_

_**I don't own Naruto. If I did, Blue would have a really cool name, that we'd all know already. XD**_

_**NOTE:** I call Blue "**Aoi**" in this, because it means **blue.** I also call her "**Hana**", because that means **flower **- and I've seen people refer to her as "Flower", so... All those names aside, I definately think "Mommy" is the best name for her XD_

* * *

It had been a long, hard mission. So, when none other than everyone's favourite Akatsuki duo – Kisame and Itachi – came back home to the hidden Akatsuki lair-hideout-thingie, all they wanted to do was sleep. Well, Kisame also wanted to eat lunch and maybe watch some movies or something. They were no sooner in the door, when all of a sudden…

"Alright, guys!" Their leader, Pein, bounced in, cheery as ever. "New mission!" he sang. "Itachi-san, Kisame-san, I know you just got back, but…"

"No." The two said firmly, at the same time.

Pein made puppy-eyes. "Awww, c'mooon, it'll be really fun, I promiiiise!"

"NO." They repeated. The two stood stuff, glaring at him, each imagining different ways of dismembering and dismantling him.

He sighed heavily. "When then what am I going to doooo? There's no way I'll get Deidara to go back to Iwagakure!"

"Send Kakuzu and Hidan then." The ever-intelligent Itachi said.

"Send Zetsu." Kisame said at the same moment, out of distaste for all vegetation.

Pein did a face-palm and a sweatdrop. "But… they're all away. On missions. In fact, the only ones here are you two, Deidara, Sasori…"

"Sasori's dead." Kisame said.

"Oh, right. I forgot. Oops." Pein said.

"You're here, Leader-sama. Why don't you go?" Itachi grumbled.

"Because Iwa is…" Pein squirmed. "It's… well… I don't like Iwa. Why do you think I'm sending someone else there? To do-some-random-mission-the-authoress-hasn't-thought-up-yet? So, as your leader…!"

Itachi and Kisame sighed. "NO!"

Pein did the anime-fall. Y'know, like, when their body turns to rubber or paper or something and they flutter to the ground? Yeah, that. It was official – Kisame and Itachi were NOT going to go to Iwagakure.

"B-but I can't go!" The oh-so-mighty leader - who was currently a puddle …or something - whined childishly.

"Why not?" The Uchiha asked, quirking an eyebrow (though only because quirk is a funny word and the authoress wanted to use it).

"Aoi, my partner, isn't here! I can't go without Aoi-san!"

"Who?" The two uncaring shinobi asked.

Pein picked himself up, pouted, and crossed his arms. "Y'knooow, Aoi?" …Crickets sounded. Kisame and Itachi simply stared. Face-palm on the leader's part. "Hana?" he tried. More stares and crickets.

Annoyed that there was a stupid bug in his pretty little Akatsuki hideout, Pein squished the damned cricked, and in the new silence said; "BLUE, YOU IDIOTS! BLUUUEEEE! FUCKING BLUE!" Kisame looked at himself confusedly. Itachi looked at Kisame, as well. Pein tweaked again. "FLOWER. THE PERSON. WITH THE FLOWER IN HER FREAKIN' HAIR." The two looked at him again with eyebrows raised.

Pein collapsed in a fit of sobs. "The giiiirl, the GIIIIRL! The ONLY damn GIRL in the Akatsuki!"

"Deidara?" they both asked.

Pein sobbed harder. Suddenly – gasp – the door swung open! A dark, ominous shadow fell over the three. Leader-sama was too busy crying over the fact he must have kept Aoi/Hana/Blue/Flower in the closet so long that his organization didn't know who she was to notice. Kisame and Itachi gasped, looking terrified at the tall, spooky, shadowed figure in their doorway. The authoress was enjoying all her run-ons. And the person in the door was… too rude to have rung the doorbell, apparently. (Hey, no evil lair is complete without a doorbell!)

However, when said portentous shadowed being person thing strode in, the shark-boy and Sasuke's older brother sighed in relief. Well, Itachi did anyways. Kisame was too busy rejoicing.

"Mommy!" He squealed. He bound up to the woman. "You brought back groceries, yaaay! Did you buy me any Hyuuga Flakes?!" (lol linkandluigi)

Pein looked up, confused. Mommy? Groceries? Who was intruding his lair…! He blinked.

"Ohhh, Kisame, you look tired!" the woman's voice sighed. "You can have your Hyuuga flakes after you've had your nappy-time! And a bath, you're filthy! …Itachi, WHY didn't you try to avoid getting dirty? I don't think these stains will ever come out!" She pouted, pointing to bloodstains on said man's Akatsuki cloak.

"I'm sorry, mama." Itachi pouted. "But if I didn't get the badguy, I would have failed the mission. You know how Leader-sama gets when we fail missions…."

Pein blinked. The woman wore the black Akatsuki robe… had blue hair… and… a white flower…? TEH HELLZ?! He jumped up, and pointed accusingly at her. "That's Aoi you morons! THAT'S HEEERRRRRR!"

Kisame seemed confused. He turned to the woman. "Is it true, mommy? Are you _really_ Leader-sama's Akatsuki partner?!" He bounced eagerly, waiting for an answer.

She grinned sweetly and ruffled the gilled man's hair. "Of COURSE I am, silly! I'm certainly not teamed up with you or Itachi, am I?" She chuckled. Her grin faded and her face looked stern. "Now, Kisame, go wash up and take a nap. You can have your Hyuuga Flakes when you're done! You too, Itachi!" She scolded.

The two pouted. Kisame lumbered off towards the bathroom. Itachi asked if he got the toy in the bottom of the cereal box, and slipped off to wash up, too, when his so-called "mama" said yes (but only because he completed his mission like a good little boy.

"Oh, and you two, don't forget to put your robes in the hamper! Nobody likes the messies" She sang. The two grunted in reply and left the room.

"I get to take my bath fiiiiirst!" Kisame's eager voice could be heard.

"Tch, why should I care, fish-boy?" Itachi's voice shot back.

Pein stared at Aoi blankly. The woman sighed heavily, then turned towards him. She raised an eyebrow. "What?" She asked.

"I should be asking you that!" He cried. "What the hell, they think you're their MOTHER!"

Her brow creased. "So? They've had a lot of hard times before they came here. When we took them under our wing, I realized that they need a safe place, a home. And they need someone to look out for them…" Her eyes glazed over in sadness.

Pein's jaw dropped. "Under our wing? A home? SOMEONE TO LOOK OUT FOR THEM?!" He nearly collapsed. "THEY'RE S-RANK CRIMINALS! THEY DON'T NEEEEEEEEEED SOMEONE TO LOOK OUT FOR THEM!"

"B-But…" Aoi/Hana/Blue/Flower seemed hurt by his angry words. Inner Aoi/Hana/Blue/Flower however, question who peed in his Hyuuga Flakes this morning.

Just then, Deidara strode in – just as Leader-sama was in the middle of shouting again. The blonde ex-Iwa-nin's only visible eye began to tear up. Suddenly, he tore across the room, and flung his arms around Aoi. He glared at Pein, tears streaming down his face. "Don't yell at my mommy, you jerk!"

Pein groaned. "Deidara, too?!"

Aoi stroked Deidara's hair soothingly. "It's okay, Dei-dei. Mommy will be okay." The still-sniffling boy…man…girl-thing nodded and detached himself from her. She smiled gently and handed him her grocery bags. "Here, be a good boy and put these away in the kitchen, please? Mommy needs to talk to Pein-sama."

Pein's eye twitched as "Dei-dei" complied with zest, and rushed off with bags to the kitchen. Without a word, he turned and began to head to the door. "Outside, please." He stated. Blue nodded and followed.

Once out in the crisp, clean air, under the happy, blue sky, Pein turned to her Akatsuki partner.

She spoke first. "I'm sorry, I… I thought you knew! I never knew it would bother you so much!"

"Well, it's not that you never told me, it's just that…" he began.

"Oh, look. Mother is back." A voice interrupted. The shinobi and the kunoichi blinked. They looked down. Zetsu's head was poking up out of the ground between them. "Really…? Oh, it is momma."

The plant-man slowly emerged from the ground. He turned to Aoi/Hana. "How are you mother?" He said. "Did you bring me something to eat, momma?" He also said. The blue-haired woman heard Pein growl, and she chuckled nervously.

"A-ah, yes. I did. Deidara is putting it away in the kitchen right now."

"Alright." He said. "Thankyou." He also said. "I hope she bought some Hyuuga Flakes…" he also-also said, while walking away.

Aoi sighed, and looked back to the orange-haired leader. She opened her mouth to continue her defence, but words did not come out. She gasped, taken aback. "Pein-sama, a-are you …CRYING?"

Pein sniffed, and rubbed his nose and eyes on the back of his sleeve. "N-no!" He stammered. "I-I just g-got something… sob… in b-both my eyes… sniff…." He quickly cleaned his face up, at stared at her. He tried to look angry, but failed horribly. "Do the others call you that, too? Kakuzu-san, Hidan-san, Sasori-san – "

"Sasori's dead, dear. And yes, they call me that too."

"Oh, right. Wait…" he paled. "That Orochimaru bastard didn't – "

"Tch, of course he did! Why do you think he hasn't launched any attacks on us? …Tobi calls me it, too! In fact, the whole "good boy" thing is kind of my fault, I let it slip one day that he was a good boy…."

"Tobi?" Pein seemed confused.

"The new guy…? Sasori's replacement…? Orange mask…?"

"Oh, right. That guy."

Pein looked like he wanted to cry even harder right now.

"Leader-sama, why are you so sad?" She asked.

"W-well… er…" He began blushing. "Uhhhh, noooothing…"

Her lips pursed and she raised a prim eyebrow. "Lair, lair, pants on fire…."

He sniffed. "I am not a liar!"

She smirked. "Then what's wrong?"

He sniffed again. He pouted and crossed his arms. "I'm not telling you. You're a meanie."

This, apparently, served to actually affect female-Akatsuki-member. Her eyes widened. Soon, however, her look of surprise turned into one of omg-I-pity him. Then, he knew she knew.

"You want me to be your mommy too, don't you, Pein-sama?"

He sniffed. "M-mayybeeee…"

She smiled sweetly. "Awwww, c'mere, it's okay. I can be your mommy too." She opened her arms.

The leader then proceeded to cling to her and cry like a little boy.

Zetsu, Deidara, Tobi, a bath-time-ready Itachi (complete with rubber ducky and Buzz Lightyear bathrobe), and a freshly-bathed/squeaky-clean Kisame watched from the doorway. There was a silence as they watched in half-interest.

"Jeez, what a baby." Kisame scoffed.

"Tell me about it… frickin' pansy." Itachi said, shaking his head.

"Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi cried in glee.

"Shutup, no you're not." Deidara shot at him. Tobi's eye-hole began leaking.

"You would think a grown man could contain his childish urges." Zetsu muttered. "To think, we let that weakling lead us. We should eat him." Venus-fly-trap-head – I mean – Zetsu also said.

But in the long run, nobody cared. Except maybe that psycho Hidan, because the Akatsuki revered Aoi more than his god… Kakuzu was annoyed at Hidan for this, as well, because Hidan couldn't seem to get the point that nodoby cared for his psyco-god and psycho-religion (each time he said this, that brat Hidan just whined to mom – er – Aoi/Hana/Blue/Flower about it, and Kakuzu would just wind up grounded.)

…Oh, and eventually, they did do the Iwakagure mission that Pein had whined about. The whole Akatsuki went – Aoi figured it would be a good family vacation. And it was. Oh, they succeeded that mission too.

* * *

_Review for me, and I'll review for you _D

_Even if it's a stupid thought like "lol Deidara told Tobi to shutup" I still want to hear it! PLEAAASE! X3_

_Flames are accepted - assholeishly-voiced grudges are hillarious. (Expect a reply of "You're critique is lacking in one thing. The critique part." if you flame.)_


End file.
